Why Are Birthdays So Hard? 7 Reasons Birthdays May be Difficult for You

Birthdays are ‘supposed’ to be joyful occasions, even as very small children we know that birthdays are inherently ‘happy’. So why is it that so many of us dislike or even dread our own birthdays each year?

I often hear from adults of all ages that they dislike when their birthday comes around. In exploring this (in some years being able to relate) I have found a myriad of explanations for why this day of celebration can be such a sad or uncomfortable day for many and surprisingly maybe to some, the reasons are generally not related to the typical negative connotations surrounding the physical process of aging. Below are some general reasons birthdays can be a sad or otherwise difficult experience for us and some thoughts on getting through the difficulties.

1. Flooding of Emotions

Birthdays (similarly to anniversaries) can stir up a lot of strong feelings and with that it can feel like a flood gate opening up to many emotions all at once. Our weeks that may normally be packed with hustling through long days in our jobs, taking care of children, and/or managing other responsibilities may not allow a lot of space to stop and explore our deeper feelings. Birthdays can create a pressure to pause to focus on one’s self and when it has been a while since this has last happened, there may be a lot coming up that has been waiting to flood in. This goes back to the idea that the things we attempt to ignore sometimes get stuck, stored within our bodies and come bubbling up when the opportunity arises. This may show up as confusion, grief, or longing for changes, something else, or maybe even a feeling we can’t quite put our finger on.

Counselor Insights

This may be our body and mind letting us know there are things we need to slow down and attend to and a good time for introspection and reflection. This may also be a time to process what came up for us on this day in your next therapy session. Keep in mind that this may not be the time to attempt to put on a happy face for forced social interactions and large celebrations if you truly are not feeling up for it. Journaling and some quiet time to be with your emotions can be helpful if the experience feels tolerable for you. If sitting in these feelings is highly uncomfortable for you, it may be better to speak with a safe friend or family member and engage in healthy coping skills while waiting for your next therapy session. Your therapist can help you to explore what may need to be processed and to set some goals for the coming year that allow for time to better explore your feelings as they come and avoid the overwhelming avalanche of emotions that follow the build up.

2. Loneliness

Birthdays (especially with the use of social media) can put a spotlight on loneliness. We may be comparing the amount of messages and support we receive with what we see others receive on social media and feel we are falling short with how many people are taking the time to reach out to us on this celebratory day. Even if we have a barrage of messages from friends or family waiting for us in our inbox, we may struggle with feeling truly connected if we are not physically with loved ones. Our society has become increasingly physically disconnected with friends and family being spread out geographically and some research shows that texts and even calls do not provide us with the same sense of connection as in person interactions. For those with a very limited support system, as is sometimes the case in the healing process, this loneliness may feel like more of an unavoidable reality that will be experienced on this day each year.

Counselor Insights

Firstly, know that you are never truly alone. Even on our most lonely of days, we have a universal connection to others with similar human experiences and as long as we are here and healing we have opportunities to make deep connections with others and within ourselves. Knowing that your feelings are valid no matter what your circumstances and responding to these feelings with self-compassion is highly important. When available, reaching out to safe and supportive friends and family and having honest conversations about how you are feeling can help to ease feelings of loneliness. If you are able to make plans in person that may be preferable and if you are unable to identify anyone to connect with, even smiling at strangers on the street during a walk or making conversation with the cashier at the store can help us to feel less alone and more connected with others going through the human experience. If an impending or recent birthday is leaving you feeling motivated to get out there and expand your social network, one option is to explore new ways to connect locally based off your personal interests. Local clubs and social groups in Greenville, recovery meetings, and fitness classes (yoga, pilates, CrossFit, etc.) are just a few ways to go out and connect with others if these options make sense for you. Lastly, if you consider yourself to be a religious or spiritual person, connection with whatever you believe in outside of yourself can help to reduce feelings of loneliness. It is important while managing these feelings to be mindful of avoiding potentially harmful coping mechanisms like substance misuse that may contribute to further isolation.

3. Discomfort with Receiving Love and Attention from Others

Feeling uncomfortable being in a space of receiving love and attention from others is not uncommon for people with early attachment wounds. It can be difficult to truly absorb these experiences and feel safe in them after having experienced abusive or neglectful caregivers in childhood where there was an inability to trust that attention would be provided consistently and without negative consequences for that child. On our birthday we may experience a certain pressure to be comfortable with being the center of attention and this may be very overwhelming for some. Feeling the need to attend large events or entertain guests so as not to disappoint others can definitely be a cause for birthday dread.

Counselor Insights

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of being kind to one’s self in this process of learning to allow ourselves to be loved while also setting boundaries. It can be frustrating to realize we are receiving all that we feel we should want but are not able to fully appreciate or accept it. Sometimes if we are being completely honest with ourselves, it may truly not even be something we do actually want in the first place. Although I encourage you to sit in this discomfort when possible and allow safe others to provide you with that care when appropriate, it is also absolutely okay to set boundaries here and do what is within your comfort zone. It is YOUR birthday after all, it is supposed to be a celebration of you, and if you do not feel up for being doted on at a large group dinner and would rather have a cupcake on the couch while watching sitcoms by yourself or with a close friend or partner that is perfectly okay too.

4. Self Love in Progress

When we are working on discovering and growing a love for ourselves and developing a feeling of inner worth, it may be difficult or impossible to believe we are deserving of celebrating ourselves and experiencing that joy. On our birthday we may actively avoid doing things that we know might feel good for us. Sometimes that might involve a subtle lack of acknowledgement or fully pretending it isn’t our birthday at all. This also might include intentionally avoiding spending time with loved ones on this day and leaning into depressive symptoms.

Counselor Insights

Our wisest adult self who shows up for us fully is a part of us we can learn to recognize and be more connected with through the EMDR therapy process. Increasing a sense of self love and acceptance is absolutely something that can be worked on in and outside of the therapy office. Keep in mind that how you feel about yourself today can be clouded by chemical imbalances, hormones, and past experiences and will not necessarily be how you always see yourself. Without judgement, write down some of the thoughts you find to be the loudest and then practice gentle self-talk speaking to yourself as you would a small child or loved one as you encourage yourself through this time. Bring your list with you to your next therapy session to discuss some of these negative beliefs about self for your EMDR therapist to help you to shift these maladaptive beliefs through the EMDR process.

5. Lost Loved Ones

Another common reason people struggle with feeling positively about birthdays is the reminder of the loss of loved ones. Aging past the age our deceased parents or other caregivers were when they passed, thinking of lost loved ones that will not be there to experience this new upcoming part of our lives or have missed this year of our past, and the reminder that those that have passed will not be able to experience these celebrations of their own are all very difficult experiences that can be highlighted on this day each year. Another difficulty can be mourning the loss of those who are still living but no longer in our lives. This includes the loss of friends, family members, partners, children, and pets. Even in knowing the relationships we have chosen to end may have been unhealthy and that we made the right decision we may experience increased feelings of grief on birthdays as we feel the passage of time and look back on past life experiences with those that are no longer present. This can also be the case for relationships that were ended for us that we wish we could have back.

Counselor Insights

Grief is a complicated and difficult experience for which there is no exact timeline. Allow space for these feelings and process the grief as it comes as you need to. If you are working with an EMDR therapist and have an imaginal container, this may be an option to attempt to place these experiences in your container to process through them at a future session. That being said, ignoring or pushing down feelings without a plan to return to them later can have other consequences. It may be helpful to incorporate your late loved ones into your day in a way that makes you feel connected to them even though they are no longer physically here. Again, being open and processing these feelings with safe family and friends and in therapy can help you feel less alone in this experience and allow you space to process through the difficult feelings as they come. Accepting and healing from these losses and the ending of relationships is a gradual process that can also be worked on within the therapy process.

6. Other Losses

Many other types of losses can contribute to birthday dread and painful emotions including a felt sense of lost time, lost dreams, lost jobs, lost homes, lost hobbies, lost skills, and lost physical abilities (amongst others). Any feelings surrounding any of these losses, no matter the time frame, are valid. Grief is not restricted to the loss of people and pets and you may experience many similar feelings after experiencing a loss of one of the above.

Counselor Insights

Although it may be appropriate to pull out your notebook and set some goals for the following year, it may be just as helpful to allow yourself some space to process these losses and ask your kindest wisest self to help you in processing any feelings of grief and disappointment as you confront these losses. It is okay for feelings to be mixed and to be both excited and grateful for what is to come and sad for what feels lost. Losses will have different meanings to different people so it is important to validate your own experience and allow yourself time to try to make sense of what you are feeling and possibly explore the values that these losses reflect in order to identify what is needed in this next year. Your therapist should respond to your desire to process these losses without judgement assist you in validating the difficulties and emotions associated with each loss.

7. Struggling to Find Purpose

Struggling to find purpose with the passage of time is a tough one that many of us experience in today’s world where we are so highly exposed to so many terrible events happening every day. This is another difficulty that can feel particularly heavy on birthdays, especially ones marked by specific historic events that hold a lot of emotional weight. If it feels difficult to celebrate because of everything going on in the world and with our planet right now, you are not alone. Many people feel ‘selfish’ celebrating themselves when so many others are struggling and may avoid doing what feels best for them due to feelings of guilt.

Counselor Insights

Although I of course do not advocate for turning a blind eye on the suffering of others, I do believe it is important to focus on what is within our control and to remember the adage of being unable to pour from an empty cup. We must be able to acknowledge our own needs and take care of ourselves in order to do the advocacy work and help others and the planet to heal. I encourage you to find purpose and meaning in whatever you can and to engage in an organic gratefulness practice throughout your day. Do what feels right for you, this may include making plans for how you will give back over the coming year or it may mean taking time to pour into yourself on this day. Trust yourself to know what you need most at this time and allow yourself to experience it.

In Summary

It is not an uncommon experience to struggle with birthdays and know that if you feel this you are not alone. If it feels right to you, process the pain, allow the emotions to be present, validate your own experiences, reach out to others you know will help to validate you, set aside time for yourself, do not overcommit yourself, engage in some healthy coping skills, and practice gratefulness organically. I encourage you to be honest with your therapist about what you are feeling coming up on your birthday or after it has passed as this insight can be an opportunity for acceptance and growth.

As always, please reach out for help if needed. If you are looking to begin counseling with an EMDR certified therapist in Greenville, SC or via telehealth in the state of Florida please reach out to me below!