How Do I Know When Therapy is Working? 10 Signs You Are Making Progress in Individual Therapy

1. You Are Utilizing More Gentle Self-Talk 

One of the first things many of my clients begin to notice in the therapy process is that the way they are speaking to themselves is changing. For example, what used to sound like the voice of a critical parent may begin to sound more like a loving and empathetic friend, or at least that of an impartial observer at the start. You may begin to hear your therapist’s calm and rational voice in situations that would normally trigger shame and negative self-talk. Sometimes in the beginning this may feel like more of a back and forth as your mind brings in the gentle self-talk while still engaging in the negative that has become so habitual. This is a time to refrain from judgement of self wherever possible as you compassionately work on making this shift. If you are noticing the language you are using in difficult situations is shifting and you are using more gentle and less critical speech to talk yourself through the difficulties, this is often a sign that therapy is beginning to work for you. 

2. You Are Starting To Better Understand Your Own Origin Story 

Although we often come to therapy with wanting to experience observable change as our primary motivator for coming in, a part of the therapy process is understanding where we came from and what happened in our lives that got us to where we are now. Understanding our past can help to promote empathy and a better understanding of self that (I believe) is a prerequisite to deep inner growth. Being able to identify what is coming up for us when we are triggered and where that may be coming from helps us to experience more connection with the part of us that feels triggered and to move through that space with more empathy and understanding. This can often look like having a dual awareness of what is actually happening in the present and what has happened previously that may be contributing to our current response. When we hold space for these parts of ourselves and meet them with empathy and understanding, we are more likely to be able to make positive changes. Experiencing awareness of how our past may be impacting us and taking the time to consider this is often a sign that we are gaining perspective from the therapy process, observable changes to follow. 

3. You Are Seeing Thoughts as Just Thoughts 

Seeing thoughts as just thoughts helps us to be less reactive in the moment and can reduce the guilt and shame that is often associated with intrusive thought patterns. When you are able to recognize that you are not your thoughts, you can create more distance from the thoughts that feel uncomfortable. Intrusive thoughts are most frequently what is called ‘egodystonic’, which means they are the opposite and in conflict of our ideal self-image. In other words, the intrusive thoughts will often be of things that are highly uncomfortable for you and in conflict with who you are. We are not in control of what thoughts come into our minds, and trying to tell ourselves not to think of something specific will often only increase the focus on those thoughts. Instead if we can view the thoughts as a non-judgemental observer and allow them to pass through, they may not have the same negative impact on our mood and functioning. If you notice you are able to engage less with intrusive and uncomfortable thoughts or that these thoughts are no longer contributing to as strong of an emotional reaction, this is often a sign that the therapy process is working for you.

4. You Are Comparing Yourself to Others Less and Less 

We all engage in some amount of comparison, sometimes without even immediately noticing it is happening. That being said, if you find yourself comparing less and disengaging from patterns of comparison that may have negatively impacted your mood and view of self in the past, this is often another sign that the therapy process might be working for you. For some this may look like the behavioral change of taking time away from social media and for others it may be noticing less engagement in the mental process of comparison. As we know that comparison more often than not negatively impacts our mood, any reduction in comparing self to others in a way that preciously made you feel worse about yourself can be seen as a major improvement to take note of and give yourself credit for. 

5. You Are Seeing Other People’s Actions as Being About Them and Not a Direct Reflection of You

When we are able to see other people’s actions as being about them, experiences that once triggered feelings of shame are more likely to be seen clearly for what they are without self-blame. This can be in reference to relationships from our past, present, or both, and can include family dynamics, romantic relationships, and relationships in the professional setting, amongst others. Although it is true that it is important to take a look at our part in unhealthy systems and relationship dynamics, we cannot cause others to act in any specific way and being able to identify their behavior as a reflection of them and not of us can help shift our perspective of self in a positive way that reduces our internal shame. We also know that when we reduce shame we are more likely to behave in the ways we want to and act out of our best interest versus furthering engagement in reactive behaviors that may negatively impact our view of self. This process of identifying other people’s behavior as being about them and reducing engagement in reactive responses is another indicator that the therapy process may be working for you. 

6. You Can See People’s Behavior as Problematic Without Feeling the Need to Try to Change It 

When we go beyond just seeing someone else’s behavior as about them to actively working on stopping our attempts at trying to change it, this can be another sign that we are progressing in our therapy journey. Even when we can label the behavior as unhealthy, often if we are struggling to set clear emotional boundaries we may be tempted to try to manipulate or change the other person into acting in a way that is seen as ‘better’ for either them, us, or both. Ultimately a sign of making progress in therapy and finding more inner peace is acknowledging the problems that are outside of our control and then focusing back on what is within our control, which as we know, doesn’t include the thoughts, feelings, or actions of others. When we focus less on trying to change others and more on cleaning up our own side of the street, we will often feel more empowered to make changes in the areas that we do have the ability to impact. 

7. You Are Less Reliant on Others For Validation of Your Decisions

Another possible sign of having made progress in therapy is finding that we are better able to make basic decisions without the need to check in with others as frequently. Of course, for big decisions it can be helpful or even sometimes necessary to consult with others, however when we struggle with trusting ourselves or have difficulties with emotional boundaries and enmeshment, it is not uncommon to become overly reliant on others to help us make basic decisions on a day-to-day basis. One indicator that you may be trusting yourself more is finding yourself able to make decisions and act upon them at times when in the past you would have checked in with others before deciding or taking action. Building self-trust is a great benefit of therapy that happens over time and can often sneak up on you without you even realizing you are better able to be more self-reliant in decision making. If you are currently in therapy, you can check in with this on occasion and give yourself credit when you notice you are making progress in this area. As always, if you are unsure of where you fall on the scale of needing to work toward being more or less reliant upon others for your own personal growth, discuss this with your therapist and determine goals that are most appropriate for you and your individual needs. 

8. You Are Less Attached to Specific Outcomes

Going to therapy doesn’t mean getting to a point where we accept everything that happens without any difficulty, but it can mean becoming less reliant on specific outcomes to experience feelings of inner peace, calm, safety, and joy. There is so much that is out of our control, attempting to control every outcome can definitely exhaust us and negatively impact our mental health. Therapy can help us learn to be better able to lean into more acceptance, over dependency upon a specific outcome to dictate how we feel and respond. If you find yourself experiencing more acceptance and inner peace with the unknown and unexpected outcomes even when things aren’t going your way, this may be another sign that you are making progress in your therapy journey. 

9. You Have an Increased Ability to Tolerate Difficult Emotions 

As we go through the therapy process we will of course still experience difficult emotions, as we make progress we can increase our ability to tolerate them. When we begin therapy it is not uncommon to even experience a sharp increase in being confronted with emotions we have been avoiding or that have run our lives before entering therapy. The goal is never to not feel or experience difficult emotions, but rather to be able to sit with them, tolerate them, and experience them without engaging in harmful coping mechanisms, numbing out, shutting down, or responding in ways that perpetuate feelings of internal shame. In most types of therapy this is a goal to be achieved by various methods. If you find yourself able to sit with difficult feelings or responding to these feelings in a healthier way than you once did, this may be another sign that the therapy process is working for you. 

10. You Are Experiencing Increased Feelings of Safety Within Yourself and the Healthy Influences in Your Support System

Being able to experience increased feelings of safety within one’s self and other healthy members of one’s support group is one of (in my opinion) the best possible outcomes of the therapy process. As many people will attest to, the world can be a really scary place sometimes, but being able to increase the feelings of safety within one’s self and those around you is something that we can learn to come back to in even the most difficult of situations. Depending upon the type of therapy you are in, there are many different methods for helping to promote feelings of safety and connection to self and others. If you find these methods helping you to feel safe when you are safe both in and outside of the therapy office, this may be another sign that therapy is working for you. 

For more information on scheduling individual therapy in Greenville, South Carolina, or virtual individual therapy in Florida, please message me below. I look forward to speaking with you soon!

*This website (healingvalleyscounseling.com) and the information it contains are not a substitute for therapy. This site is not meant to provide treatment advice, only to share general psychoeducational information. If you are seeking individual therapy in South Carolina or Florida please contact me below. If out of state and looking to begin engaging in the therapy process, please contact a provider licensed in the state within which you are currently residing.