Are You Stuck in the Gratitude Trap?

The term ‘gratitude trap’ has several meanings, I want to speak here on one way in which I see this show up for clients that can impede progress in therapy and keep us from making larger scale life changes that we fully desire to make. 

There are several invalidating statements I hear often when someone is discussing their goals or desires that let me know they might be stuck in the ‘gratitude trap’.

“Someone else would be so grateful for…”

“Some people have it so much worse”

“It used to be so much worse”

“I feel so selfish (greedy, entitled, narcissistic, etc.) for wanting…”

“But shouldn’t I just be glad to have…?”

“I ‘should’ just be happy” (or really any ‘should’ statement pertaining to feelings about something we have)

If you’ve thought or heard yourself say any of these statements, this may apply to you.

Sometimes we are so stuck on the idea of needing to be grateful for what we have (a message often instilled in us during childhood) that we block ourselves from making changes and going after what we really want in life for fear that seeking more or something different would be ‘ungrateful’. 

If the message of always being grateful was instilled in you early on, to acknowledge and admit that we are unhappy in aspects of a relationship, a family system, a home, a career, etc., when there are people in the world who would want exactly what we have, may feel highly uncomfortable. To say that we aren’t dissatisfied but want more, may feel as if it is completely disregarding our appreciation of what we already possess.

Although I do believe it is incredibly important to acknowledge our privilege in life, this idea of needing to simply be grateful for what we already have can keep us from going after what might truly be the best and most authentic for us. Ironically, I have found that it is often those who are the most grateful and acknowledging of their privilege that are the most concerned that they might be entitled and unappreciative when discussing their own wants, needs, and goals in the therapy setting.  

The reality is that two things can be true, we can be both grateful for what we have, AND want more or something altogether different. Gratefulness is an amazing practice that we know improves mood, AND there can be time where focusing on gratefulness can actually keep us from achieving goals that might make our lives more fulfilling. We can fully appreciate all that we’ve achieved, created, and been given AND still express dissatisfaction and a desire for change. 

Furthermore, we can actively work to make these changes happen and be open about our desires for such in the therapy setting.

Although this openness may not be welcome in all settings, it is welcome and encouraged in therapy. Therapy is a place for you to be honest about your deepest desires in life, to come to know them, and to receive support in working toward achieving them without shaming. If your therapist is shaming you for being dissatisfied with aspects of your life, or even making some of the statements listed above, it may be time to further evaluate if they are the right fit for you. 

When actively working toward making changes and hearing those concerns of the gratitude trap coming up, we can speak kindly to the part of ourselves making those statements, acknowledge it, and gently ask it to step aside for our wisest adult self to continue at this time. 

Ultimately, living our most fulfilling and most authentic lives is the best way to become someone able to help others. Keeping ourselves from our desires to avoid being or appearing ‘ungrateful’ does little for anyone else and may keep us from being in the best place to be truly altruistic. 

If you’re finding you may be stuck in the gratitude trap, I encourage you to start by being increasingly honest with yourself about what you truly want and finding a safe space to start sharing and coming up with plans to create changes where desired. 

For more information on scheduling therapy in Greenville, South Carolina, please contact me below. I look forward to speaking with you soon!

*This website (healingvalleyscounseling.com) and the information it contains are not a substitute for therapy. This site is not meant to provide treatment advice, only to share general psychoeducational information. Please see the disclaimer section for more information.